During my first oopsie pregnancy, I wasn’t stressing about much other than the tenuous and new relationship I had with the baby daddy. Otherwise, I pretty much figured, if it worked out or not, no biggie. It’s not like the pregnancy was planned and things tend to work out the way they are supposed to, right?
During my second teflon pregnancy, I sort of bumped along with a kind of oblivious confidence until the pregnancy suddenly was no more. I only had one positive experience to go off of and that led to an unfounded confidence that “miscarriages happen to other people”. What you don’t know… Of course, come eighth week ultrasound time, there was no heartbeat to be found. It’s pretty common for embryos to fail early on, even in perfectly healthy women. But it was still upsetting. It took me a while to decide to try again.
Now in my third nascent pregnancy, I am in a different place. Or different places. I am, of course, thrilled to have gotten pregnant in the first place. Fertility is not a given at my age. On the other hand, I am trying to be cautious about getting too attached to this embryo as, again, at this age and stage, miscarriage is statistically somewhat likely. Maybe about 25% at this point. And additionally, I am impatient to get to my first ultrasound and hopefully hear that strong, fast heartbeat (>120bpm). That will statistically reduce my chance of miscarriage to roughly 11%. Getting to 12 weeks would be the icing on the cake. (You can find some pretty nifty and comprehensive pregnancy stats here.)
Mostly though, I have been paying too much attention to what’s going on with this very nascent pregnancy, despite my efforts not too. Irony! Ha ha!
So, I am working on letting go.
First step: I’ve been working on developing cautious but positive mantras in my head.
“Things will happen as they will happen.”
“I have no control and so I can let go. I don’t have to do anything.”
“I am grateful to be fertile and have this chance. No matter what happens I am lucky.”
“No matter what happens, I will learn and grow.”
“If the pregnancy works out, wonderful! Siblings, adventures, and craziness of one kind! If it doesn’t, wonderful! Adventures and craziness of another kind- and more money!”
Second step: I’ve removed the BabyCenter app from my phone, because it tempts me to look at it on and off all day, thus keeping the pregnancy at the forefront of my mind.
Instead, I will only allow myself to update some pregnancy tracking and look up any burning pregnancy questions first thing in the morning. After that, I am on total pregnancy media blackout the rest of the day.
Third step: I am writing here about my intention to be open, be patient, be grateful, and let go.
Thanks for reading. Hope you have a wonderful day!